Super Model Suicide.

Note: This is a tribute to a friend I lost a few years ago, I'd like to think that he is able to see this, some how, some way. And the title is a line from an A Skylit Drive song. And I'd like to start it off with a song I
 wrote for him based off how I felt right after he had passed.
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With Out You

3am and the phone rings
the words i hears
ares words i hope i never hear again
as they were said
all my blood turned red as the sea
with every dying gasp i breathed

i cant stand to be with out you
i cannot live with out you
i cannot function with out you in my life
i find it hard to breathe
i find it hard to speak
i find it hard to sleep
i find it hard to live
with out you
and i miss you

thought it was a nightmare
the worse one ever known
but three days later it became reality
as i saw you laying there

i cant stand to be with out you
i cannot live with out you
i cannot function with out you in my life
i find it hard to breathe
i find it hard to speak
i find it hard to sleep
i find it hard to live
with out you
and i miss you

you were laying so limp
so peaceful at last
i look back at all the memories we shared
and gawd how i miss them
i miss them

i cant stand to be with out you
i cannot live with out you
i cannot function with out you in my life
i find it hard to breathe
i find it hard to speak
i find it hard to sleep
i find it hard to live
with out you
and i miss you

three weeks later, im still crying
i go for a visit
it's dark and draby
still not wanting what i see before me to be the truth
but it is
it is

i cant stand to be with out you
i cannot live with out you
i cannot function with out you in my life
i find it hard to breathe
i find it hard to speak
i find it hard to sleep
i find it hard to live
with out you
and i miss you

and now to this day
i still mourn your loss
and how it hurts me
the tears start to roll
so i grab a razor blade
a few minutes later i'll be with you once again
and i won't miss you
cuz ill be with you
with you...
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It seems as though it was yesterday. We just talked. You seemed fine, you seemed happy, like life was finally coming together for you. We were so young. I want to say that I can't understand how the world can be so cruel, and how life can be so hard for someone so young, so pure, with so much life in their eyes and with the entire world at their finger tips, but I understand. Things have a way of beating even the strongest people to and past their breaking point.

I want to say I didn't see it coming, but I did. The things you said to me. I'd always tell you how I wanted to make everything better, take all of your pain away. That I would figure out a way to make you happy, find a way to suck all the hurt out of you and project it on every last ass hole that hurt you. I don't think you'll ever understand how responsible I feel for your death. I feel like it was all my fault. If I was there when you needed me to be, maybe, just maybe you'd still be here with me.

We were brought together to help each other and fix each other. To make one another smile. We were going to take on the world together. We had so many plans and ideas. We would have created something beautiful, we would have made the world a beautiful place again. A peaceful World, where everyone would be happy and feel accepted. Take away all the pain, create a safe haven for all the lost, damned, hurt, rejected and broken-hearted beings in this place.

Although we never actually met in person, I felt closer to you than anyone I have ever met. It was like you were my twin, like we were clones of one another. We changed each other so much that I don't know who I would be with out you. Maybe I'd be dead too, and we'd meet in heaven or hell or whatever, that way our time would never end.

I remember when you told me you loved me. You said you'd turn straight for me. I told you not to worry, that I would just get a sex change for you. Looking back on our memories and jokes brings a tear to my eye. Actually, it brings several, a waterfall of tears just endlessly flowing out of my eyes; soaking my pillow and my sleeves. They sadden me so much that I try not to remember, because I just can't stand the pain that they come with. I know you'd slap me for saying that. You'd probably tell me to stop being "a whiny little bitch" or to "be the man you know I secretly am", words like that sound cruel, but that's how we showed affection towards each other. I could call you a "stupid little faggot" and you'd laugh, but other people calling you that is probably what drove you to do this.

I know this world is cruel. People are horrid, they don't care about anyone but themselves. They just want to feel better about their pathetic lives by pushing others down and belittling them. People are fucking scum. I want to hunt down every single person that has ever hurt you and made you feel like a worthless piece of shit, family included, and stab their fucking eyes out then just leave them there to bleed out. But doing that would just put them close to you, and I know that neither of us want that.

I'm sorry that I make it seem like you don't exist, I truly am. But I just can't stand to think about it. You'd think after almost five years I'd be able to talk about you with out shutting down, but I can't. You seriously did mean so much to me, more than anyone could ever understand. It just kills me so much.

I know you would yell at me for blaming myself. You'd say that there was nothing I could do to change it. "We all have our predefined paths, every move is planned out for us, from life till death, so nothing even matters". But I could have changed your path, I know I could have.

If only I didn't pass out right after school. If only I woke up when you called, maybe you'd still be here.

I called, and called. I could just sense something was wrong, that's how connected we were. I told my self you were sleeping, I guess I was technically right. You're aunt found you unconscious. Told me she tried everything, said the EMS said you were a goner. She read me your note. The note you said you'd never leave. I couldn't contain myself during our conversation. I didn't say a word, I couldn't, no words would come out, no matter how hard I tried. Hearing her chocking on her words just made it worse.

I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to. I kept waiting to wake up from that nightmare; but I never did.

When I got off the phone with her I cried until I managed to pass out. I woke up, eyes sore, red, and puffy, still teary eyed. Do you know how hard it is to put on make-up when you're crying? Really fucking hard. I really should have stayed home from school that day, but I sucked it up, thought maybe it would help. All I could do was miss you, loosing someone so close it the worse imaginable pain ever. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry until I died. It was too much for me to handle.

I just want you to know, that even though you are a relatively hidden part of my life, I will NEVER forget you, I never could. I think you'd understand why I'm like that, hopefully. Not matter what, I'll always feel guilty. But I swear, if and when I ever have a son, I'm naming him after you, fuck, even if I have a daughter she'll have your name. I mean, that was the plan anyways, wasn't it? I mean, maybe you weren't serious, and I guess I wasn't fully serious either, but now I am. You will forever and always live on though me.


RIP Paxton (Paxxy) Nicholas Reader 7/27/1992-5/19/2009
Always in my heart; Never forgotten.<3

Lost Love

Have you ever fallen in love? Not lust, not like, but love. Where your heart skips beats and feels like it is going to explode out of your body. Where all you do is smile, no matter how shitty you truly are feeling. Where you don't have a care in the world, other than your love. Your head spins and you get that warm fuzzy feeling. Where everything is just perfect. I have, and I must say, it is one of the most amazing sensations in the universe. Everyone should experience a pure love such as this at least once in their pathetic, self loathing, ignorant life. It's a humans god given right to be so, so, ecstatically intoxicated with the purest emotion to ever exist on this hell forsaken planet.

I met the love of my life about four years ago, through my friend Adam. They were really close, undeniably better than best friends; they completed one another. I still remember that day. It was mid March, but it was as cold as January. The air was piercing my skin every time there was the slightest gust of wind, but it was worth it. I would have walked miles during the worse imaginable blizzard for him.

When we met it was truly amazing. I never wanted to spend a second away from him, I wanted him to always be a part of my life, and he was. The first time I touched him I felt like I was melting, as if there was a little heater inside of me making my whole body warm and fuzzy. My head was spinning and I felt a knot in my stomach, like I was about to throw up. I went weak at the knees and didn't think that I was able to stand. It was so surreal, so fabricated, so weird, I loved it. I couldn't even begin to comprehend how I was feeling, it was purely magical. All I knew was that this was the most amazing feeling in the world and I never wanted it to end; this was true love.

After I met him I was hooked on the feelings he left me with. He was all I could think about and all I wanted to think about, dreaming of the next time we would meet. Without him seconds felt like hours and hours felt like days. I wanted him, needed him. It was if I finally found my soul mate, he made me feel whole for the first time in my life.

I couldn't take being with out him for a moment longer. I called up Adam and told him to bring him over to my place. I was getting antsy, it seemed just as if it took an eternity for them to arrive. When they finally did I couldn't contain my excitement. I don't recall ever being as excited as I was at that exact moment. I couldn't wait to be reunited with him once again, to feel the feelings he filled me with the day we met. His smell was purely intoxicating, just on that alone the feeling began to come flooding back to me. That joy, that pleasure, that pure and unadulterated ecstasy he left me with. I could feel him in my heart, I needed him to be mine, and I would stop at absolutely nothing to have him. Despite how early it is in our relationship, I would kill for him. He has already become my everything, he consumed me from the moment we met.

Over time we started seeing each other on a regular basis, seemingly, I needed him to survive. The more we were together the more I feel in love with him. Eventually, we got so close we didn't need Adam with us. It was just me and him against the world. On days I didn't get to see him I got so depressed and upset that I was sick to the stomach. I needed him in my life, he truly did complete me, I was worthless with out him. If only he could move in with me, live with me forever, never leave. That's all I wanted. That's all I needed. Him, and only him.

I began to become so engrossed by him I started to push away everyone around me. I didn't need friends any more, I just needed him. He was all I wanted. I was never happier in my life than I was with him. Naturally, my friends and family started to get concerned with the fact that I devoted all of my time to him. I isolated myself from the rest of the world. And I didn't care, I was completely and utterly captivated by him and the feelings he left me with. I couldn't endure more than a few hours with out him being with me. Our relationship was becoming both extraordinary and tortuous.

As the days went by I found myself spending nearly every waking moment of my life with him. I got to the point where I started to see him every hour, on the hour, with an exception of when I was sleeping of course. No matter where I was or what I was doing, I needed him. If I was at work, with friends, or with my family, I would sneak off to the bathroom just so we could spend some time together. He was starting to control me and nearly ever aspect of my life.

But the more tine we spent, the more he started to gain control of me. He was effecting my energy, my sleep, my diet, my money, my relationships with other people, everything. It was as if I was no longer myself, I have become a completely different person. I was nothing more than a worthless drone being controlled by him and I was at the point where I literally could not function with out him. I couldn't even get out of bed in the morning unless I got to wake up with him. I was so pathetic, but I loved it, and even worse, I couldn't control my feeling for him any more. Even when I didn't want to be with him I needed to be. It was almost if he wanted me more than I wanted him.

There was a point where, because of him, I ended up in the hospital. He was ultimately destroying my life, killing me. Turns out he literally did make my heart skip a beat. It skipped a few actually, enough to make me loose consciousness. He almost killed me. Luckily, that day Adam was with us. If it wasn't for him, I would be dead.

I remember Adam freaking out, crying. I was trying to ask what was wrong, but nothing came out. He couldn't hear me. I remember him screaming at my love, calling him all kinds of names. "No, Adam! I'm fine! I'm okay!" I tried to say, but he didn't hear me. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. The world was fading away, I knew my time had come. But I wasn't scared, you'd assume someone in my position would be freaking out like someone would be laying on their death bed knowing they only have a little time left. But not me. It was just so relaxing and peaceful. So I did what my body wanted me to do and closed my eyes so I could fall asleep and leave this horrid world.

I woke up in an ambulance. It was so chaotic for such a small space. I was trying to move, but the paramedics were holding me down. My ears were ringing and my vision was participial gone. I could feel droll running down my cheek. They had just taken the oxygen mask off me and that's when I saw Adam. I asked him what happened, and he just cried. "I want to go home, I want to see him", I demanded. Adam cried even harder. "I'm fine, why are you crying?" I yelled. I was getting so angry. "Adam, I want to go home! Take me home, NOW!" All I wanted was to be with him. He almost killed me, and he was all I could think about, all I wanted was him. It was killing Adam, I could see it in his eyes.

I was in so much pain. I wish that I had died. Why did they have to revive me, why couldn't they just let it all come to an end. I couldn't comprehend how I went from pure ecstasy to feeling some of the worse pain I have ever experienced in my life in a matter of a few moments.

They put me in ICU. I noticed Adam was talking to a nurse. He looked in the room at me with teary eyes then looked back at the nurse quickly. I tried to read his lips so I could figure out what was going on, but it was useless. A few moments later they both came in the room. "I think they are going to keep you here for a while" he said. My eyes widened and jaw dropped as I shook my head no. He continued "It's for the best...", then I just tuned him out. How could he do this to me, it's not for the best, I can't be left her alone, it'll kill me! I need to go home, I need to be with him.

The next few days I was in the hospital were completely horrid. I hated it and just wanted to leave. I couldn't stand all the pain I was in. I'd rather die than be there a second longer. They kept trying to give me pills and other medication, telling me that they would make me feel better, but they didn't. Nothing could make me feel better and nothing would help ease this excruciating pain I was in but him. He always made me feel better, no matter what, he fixed me.

Sick, Sad Lies: Chapter Two

After class I go straight to my dorm room and throw myself on to my bed. Just laying there staring at the ceiling for a while thinking about all the work I have piling up. “I really need to do something” I think to myself, trying to figure out what assignments are due first. I then remember that I left my Woman’s Studies book in Calvin's room the other day when we were doing the reading for tomorrow's class, so I decided to stop over and meet their new roommate. I just barged into their room, like always, and he was the only one there. He stopped playing his game and just kind of stared at me with this pathetic, stupid, confused look on his face, it was priceless. “Oh, umm, hi. Is Calvin around? I left my book over here?” “He's sleeping, but I don't think he'll mind if you go in to grab it” he replies. “Well he better not, because I need it” I said as I walk into their room. As I come back out I sit on the couch and ask him if he cares if I stick around till Josh and Danielle get back. “ It's fine” he says awkwardly, “they should be back soon, they ran over to the student center to grab food or something.” I pull out my phone, “So what's your name?”. “Cooper” he replies, still awkward as fuck. I send a text to Josh telling him to hurry the fuck up since I'm awkwardly sitting here with his new roommate. “What's yours?” “Alexa” I reply. He gets this stupid little smile on his face, “That's a cute name, do you wanna play Portal till they come back?” “Ehhh, yea, sure, It's not like I was going to do any work tonight anyways.”

We started chatting and really started to click. We liked a lot of the same things despite the fact it seemed like we came from different parts of the universe. He was all about video games, which was kind of cool, as where I'm all about music. But we still had the same taste in both. “So I kinda live here by the way.” I say during a level change. “I think I'll be okay with that” he says more comfortably. Josh and Danielle finally came back. “GOD ALEXA! STOP HARASSING HIM! I DON'T NEED YOU SCARING ANOTHER ROOM MATE AWAY!!” Josh yells. “Haha, yea, I totally forgot that I tried to sacrifice what's his face to the devil.” I sarcastically reply. “Why do you think Shaun is never here?” he jokes. “Want to to Co Fair, I need to get cigarettes”. I open my pack and realize I only have two left, “Yea, I'm not gonna make it through the night if I don't, I just need to run to my room and grab some money.” “Kay, well meet you outside, don't take all week” Josh replied. “I'll try to only take three days, is that cool?” I say as the three of us walk out of the room. After I grabbed my wallet I realized that my jacket wasn't in my room and assumed I left it in Josh's room. I barged back into his room and Cooper said “back so soon? Did you miss me kicking your ass?” “One” I respond “there is no ass kicking in Portal because we were a team, and two, I think I left my jacket here.” “Wow, your book AND your jacket? You really do live here.” “Haha, I told you so!” I grabbed my jacket and as I go to leave Josh's bed room Cooper is standing by the door. “Ummm,” he skidishly asks “could I get your number?” Not thinking anything of it I give him my number and walk out.

Not even a miniature after leaving the building my phone goes off. It's Cooper. We make small talk, which I find weird as hell since I almost never text like that unless I'm talking to people back home. Then he says that he wanted to come with us, when I asked why he didn't he said that he felt weird inviting himself. I told him that it wouldn't have mattered but he seemed convinced other wise. Danielle asked who I was texting, when I said that it was Cooper Josh blurted “I don't even have his number yet and I live with the damn kid! When I asked if he wanted to trade numbers he said yea then never gave me his!” “Well, do you want it?” I replied. “No!” he said angrily while laughing a bit.

Cooper didn't text back for a couple minutes, so I just thought the conversation was over. But then he sent me a text reading “So, it was really hard for me to ask you for your number.” “haha, you did seem a bit weird about it, why though?” I replied. I'm actually starting to get curious as to what he is going to say next, it feel like time was going so slow and like I was waiting hours for a response. Then finally he responds with “Well, you're really cute, and I was afraid that you would say no.” A smile arose on my face. “Holy shit, he thinks I'm cute. Why am I so happy about this? Well, he is really adorable in a nerdy kind of way” I think to myself. I try to wipe the smile off my face before Danielle or Josh notice and make a stupid ass remark as I text him back saying “hehe, no I'm not. But you on the other hand are extremely adorable :)” I can't explain the how I'm feeling. I'm so goddamn happy and I can't understand why. I never get like this. Well, sometimes, but not often. But this, this is so different, I don't think that I have ever felt this eternally and legitimately happy. I Find myself actually thinking about what to say and how he is going to respond. I'm totally girling out right now. My phone vibrates in my pocket and I feel my heart begin to race. “Stop it!!!” I yell at myself, “You just met this kid! Stop it! Stop it!! STOP IT!!!” I open the text and it reads: “So, do you want to hang out? Like, get to know each other better and stuff?” I can't seem to shake this feeling, and it seems to be getting stronger with every text we exchange, I'm so pathetic. “Don't do it Alexa!” I say to myself. But my fingers had something else in mind as they typed “That sounds doable :)”. “FUCK!” I think to myself, what am I doing. I can't be having feelings for someone I literally just met, I'm fucked up. He's Josh and Calvin's roommate, what if something happens, that'll be way to awkward, I can't do this. “How about when you get back from the store?” he says. “I'm actually kind of beat and am probably going to pass out as soon as I get back to my room, tomorrow? You can come to breakfast with us. :)” I take a deep breath and congratulate myself. “You don't think it'll be weird?” he responds. “No, why would it be weird?” I ask. “I dunno, I just feel like I would be intruding.” “It'll be fine, don't worry, you're more than welcome to our little group :)” I reassure him. “okay then :) So I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow?” he asked. “Okay, but if you don't mind me randomly passing out on you we can talk till then.” I say. “I like that idea better, I don't mind.” So we continued to talk.

When we arrive back to our building I tell them I'm gonna call it a night. “Awwwe,” Danielle says “breakfast tomorrow?” “As always!” I respond “do either of you mind if Cooper comes? Cuz I kind of already asked him.” Damn, there is that fucking smile again. “Awe, Alexa has a crush!” says Josh. “Shut up! No I don't!” I yell defensively. “Of course not, and yea, he can come, seeing as how I'm not going to make you uninvite him.” “Good” I say as I start to walk into the building, “I'll catch ya guys then”.

I'm walking out of the stairwell I fell the building start violently shaking. Looking around confused and conserned I notice that the people in the common room seem unfased. As I'm walking down my wing I hear faint voices, but as I turn around to see who is there I quickly realize that I'm the only one in the hall. “You're just being paranoid” I say to myself, “you're fine.” I reach into my pockets to get my keys and the feel like jelly, it's as if they are just sliding through the gaps in my fingers. I finially pull them out and as I'm looking for the right key my hands tense up and the keys do a little dance in my hands as the fall to the ground. Flustered, I pick them up as quickly as possiable and open the door. “Okay”, I think as I try to catch my breath, “that was fucking weird, but I'm home now, I'm fine.”, I reassure myself, “Everything is okay and you are completely sane.”

I turn on some music as I prepare myself to get some much needed rest. I figured that tea might help me relax, but with so many to choose from put me into a slight panic for some reason, you can say I'm a bit of an addict. “Honey Vanilla Comomille, that always does the trick” I think to myslef as I put my cup into the microwave. I take a few deep breaths trying to compose my self from this maddening and eerie day. I just can't stop reliving both of those incomprehensable events that happened, they were just so helter-skelter and unnatural, I can't even being to process them. “Just, how? And why?” I wonder to myself. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I'm starting to become reluctlant and want to deny that they even happened. “Whatever”, I visulize normalicy, “it's over and done with, this day is over, that shit is over, and that's all that matters. I am here and this is now.” I take one more deep breath before getting my tea and taking it into my room.

After laying in darkness and finishing my second cup of tea I decisively commit myself to another sleepless night, and with butterflies still remaining in my stomach and possiably in my heart, as much as I hate to admit it, I reach for my phone and text Cooper. “Whatcha doing?” He replies almost instantly, “Playing Zelda, what about you?”. A smile starts to arise across my face, “Listening to music, I can't sleep :/ I'm thinking a smoke break might help” I reply. “I'll come out with you, just let me put shoes on” he texts back. Even though he doesn't smoke, I'm too excited to see him again to question his text and just reply with “Mmmkay, I'll meet you out back :)”. I put jeans and a hoddie on and leave through the fire exit.

The moment I walk out the door I already see him sitting on the bench waiting for me. “God, he's so freaking adorable” I start to freak out a little, “Act cool, relax, breath”, I have to repeate to myself. I see him smile and the butterflies come back. “So Mr. Non-smoker, why did you decide to leave the comfort of your Xbox for this?” I ask. “Eh,” he sheepishly says, “I though some fresh air would be good for me.” He paused for a moment then continued with “And maybe I wanted to see you a little bit.” It feels like my heart plummeted to the ground, I am completely captivated by his every word an movement. “Well, I...ummm” I take a hit of my cigarette and tell myself to stop being a little bitch, “I don't think I'm going to be going to sleep anytime soon, so if you want to hang out for a while or something we probably could.” He gets a corny little smile and shakes his head. “Want to like, walk around campus or something?” I suggest. “We could, but I'll need to put on warmer clothes, I'm freezing” he responds. “Pssssht, what ever lame!” I respond as I jokingly punch his arm. “Or...or...we could watch a movie or something” he says slightly nervious, as if I would turn him down. “He would have to be dumb to think I'd say no, can't he tell I'm totally fucking into him?” I wonder to myself. “Yea,” I giggle slightly, “that would be cool, I don't really have a big movie selection though”. “You have an Xbox right?” he asks quickly. “Of course”, I laugh. “With live?” he asks. “Who the fuck do you think I am?! Of course I fucking have live!” I yell jokinly. “Well, I have a Netflix account, so we can just find something on there” he explained. I smile as I put out my cigarette and opend the door.

He passes the stairwell and scans his card to get into the building. “Look as you Mr. Lazy ass, taking the elevator and shit” I say, he just laughs as we both get on the elevator and and presses the button for our floor. Good thing it's a short ride, because we were both silent which made it a relatively tense ride. He exited first and goes to the door to get into my wing, as I look at him slightly confused he gives me a reassuring smile and lets me lead the way to my room. With both of us still silent I start thinking about how nervous I was, my room was a hell hole, people shouldn't be in there, I wouldn't have agreed to this if I knew he wanted to go to my room, “FUCK!” my mind beging to freak out, I feel like it's on the verge of explodeing while thinking about all the possiabilities. What's he going to say about the mess? Why did he want to come to my place, not his? What the fuck is going on?!? I take a deep, yet silent breath to calm myself and contain my thoughts that are making me a horrid combination of confused and nervous and say “Oh, by the way, my room may be a little bit messy”. “I'm sure it's fine” he tries to reassure me. “Oh, no, no it's not, I don't think you..” I try to explain as hei cuts me off by stating “It's fine.” “Alright” I sigh.

Sick, Sad Lies: Chapter One

Sound becomes dull, ears ringing, can't breath, everything is fading to black, growing weaker and fighting not to buckle at the knees. "What the piss is happening to me?". I'm looking around, freaking out. I don't know what to do. And then, then it all starts to fade back to normal as I jump back into reality.

"Alexa?" I look around, I forgot where I was, what I was doing? "Alexa!?". It’s the barista. I was at the campus coffee shop. "When the hell did I get here" I think to myself as a grab my coffee and scramble out the door. I was almost scared to try it, I didn't remember going there, god only knows what I decided ordered. mmmm, pumpkin spice. I made a good decision, for once. Anything that has to do with caffeine is the only thing I can make good decisions about.

I get back to the building and there's someone out side. "Fuck, I'm so not ready to interact with people". Despite the fact I've known this kid for months I can't remember his name to save my life. "James? No. Frank? for fucks sake, who the hell names their kid Frank! Paul? Maybe...no, no, it's not Paul. It's some god awful generic name like that. I mean, he looks like he has a generic name. Maybe if I call him Joy Division he'll just accept it." See, Joy Division, as I'm calling him, likes to talk to me about older Punk music. It’s cool, I've made most of my friends here by smoking and talking about music. I can tell by the look on his face that he wants to talk, he looks so lonely and pathetic standing outside alone. God, I should have went to the other entrance, no one is ever there. He hands me a cigarette. "Thanks man, I needed this" I say to him. "I could tell" he responds. "Thanks for saying I look like shit" I chuckle. "No, it's not that at all, it's just.." he pauses "have you checked out those bands yet?". I sigh "Not yet, I've been swamped with work" a lie, "but I promise, I'll check them out soon" possibly another lie. He flicks his cigarette, "I'll catch you later?" he says as he turns towards the door. "Yeah, and thanks again for the smoke." I finish my cigarette and head to my dorm room.

The elevator door was open, despite the fact I'm only on the second floor I decided to take this opportunity because of my little incident at the coffee shop. Right as the door is about to close someone jumps in.

"Hey lazy fuck, I thought you never took the elevator." It's my buddy Rob from the sixth floor.
"Shut up faggot, it's been a rough day"
"Rough day?!? it's 8 am!"
"Yea, my day started at like 6 yesterday."
"Oh, I gotcha. We're you with Jesse last night?" he says winking at me.
"For the last time, we aren’t fucking!"

"Not what I meant" he says as the door opens.

I clear my throat. "well, ummm, FUCK YOU!" I scream as a press all the buttons and walk away. My roommate Natile is sitting on the couch in the common area. "I'm so glad you're here! I left my card in my room!" I don't say a word as I swipe us in to our wing. It's not that I hate her, we are just nothing alike. None of my roommates are anything like me, I'll never understand how I got matched up with them. Luckily, we have a quad. Four separate rooms, two bathrooms, a common area, and an eat in kitchen kind of thing. Natile and I are on once side, Emily and Katie are on the other. I feel so bad for Nat. Well, I feel so bad for all of them, or maybe they fell bad for me.

I have room B. There are three post it notes under the B on my door. An "A", "M", and "F". BAMF. Bad ass mother fucker, that's me. My door, lined with caution tape My buddy Blaze and I stole from when they were doing construction in our court yard, or what ever the hell it is called. The caution tape also lines the trim of my room where the walls and ceilings meet. My walls are no longer white, they are plastered with posters, pictures I ripped out of magazine, lyrics, post its, and drawings, both of my own creation and ones from my friends. My curtains were black to keep the sun out, "You Lost The Game" was written on my window, random scribbles and drawings covered my mirrors making them nothing more than reflective write on boards. My bed was ripped to shreds, the light fixture was torn off so I could replace the bulb with a black light, my floor, obscured by clothes, books, garbage, and everything, just everywhere. And of course there was my sick ass Sony stereo system my roommates loved ever so much. I tell everyone that my room is organized with chaos so I seem less like a poor disgusting excuse for a human being. If I did not scare the shit out of my room mates enough myself, my room sure as hell helped.

Although I never really saw Katie or Emily's rooms, I know they were nothing like mine, with an exception of me and Emily having the same bed sets. So Natile's room, haha, now that was a sight. One time Rob was over and asked if my roommates were five year olds, no lie. But just imagine a stereotypical five year old girl's room. Princesses, Disney, butterflies, pink, glittery. That was her room. In fact, that was her. Full of oh gosh's, oh my goodness', and she was over apologetic. I don't think she even knew what shit, fuck, or piss was. Hell, she probably still though dick was just short for Richard. Purely nauseating, at least to me, and possibly eighty percent of the population between the ages of fourteen and forty.

I go into my room and plug my zune into my stereo. I decided to turn the volume down a bit since I knew Nat was here. I open my laptop with all intentions of starting my English paper due in a few days, but instead Facebook popped up and I find that more interesting, despite the face my paper was just a simple 'How To' essay. Our professor was awesome as all hell and always let us pick the actual topic to write about. My how to paper was “How to Survive a Hardcore Concert”. At first he questioned the topic, but once I gave him that 'bitch please look' and told him I've been to a lot of concerts he let me write about it. I'm scrolling through my news feed and I hear my phone go off. It's Danielle. “Noms?” the text read. I figured that it was probably a good idea to get food in my system so I told her to meet me outside my building in five minutes. She replied saying that she was at Josh's, her boyfriend and one of my really close friends, and to just come over there.He lived right down the hall from me, and ever since we met I've practically lived there. His roommate Calvin is literally the reason I know everyone I know here. I like to play one of those sixth degrees of separation games when I'm bored to trace everyone I know back to him. It's kinda weird and mildly entertaining.

As I get to Josh's room I scratch at the door and start to meow, I do this a lot, sadly. He replies with “Get the fuck outta here! Cats are stupid little shits!!” and I hear Danielle say “I love kitties! Can we please keep it? PLEEEEEEEEASE????”. They come out of the room and we walk over to Van, the Dining hall. Their food is really hit or miss. More miss that hit. You kind of have to know what to eat and what to avoid, it's weird. But seriously, when is buffet style food ever good?

We all get to our table, and despite the fact there is only three of us we always sit at the same table that is made for eight. We normally have more people with us when we come for lunch or dinner, plus, there is literally only like eight other people here for breakfast every day. Josh tells me that his roommate Calvin found a new roommate since his old one was a homophobe and moved out. Josh and Calvin's room was basically the same set up as mine, except they had two rooms, with two people in each, instead of four individual rooms. Josh and Shaun shared one, but Shaun was almost never there because he stayed with his girlfriend who I think lived in an apartment off campus, so Josh pretty much had the room to himself. Shaun had this huge ass TV that he let Josh use since he was never there. “Is he gay?” I asked. “Why would he be gay?” says Josh. “I don't know, it would just be kind of convenient for him to have a fuck buddy living with him.” I replied. Danielle interjects “Well, knowing Calvin he probably is”. “He's moving in today after his classes, wanna help?” Josh adds. “I have a class from 6:30 till 9, so I probably can't” I respond. “It's all good” Josh says, “wanna stop by after and we can all chill?”. “If I'm not a zombie I will.”

Mornings

A tear falls; she hopes that no one hears the squeaks she makes from trying to hold them in. She gasps for air; wishing it would be the last breath she’d ever take. She can’t stand this, she tells herself. She wants to give up. She feels so lost, so abandoned. She wish someone cloud find here, and make all this pain disappear. But nobody ever will; nobody wants too she tells her self. “Why me?” she asks herself trying not to cry.

She wakes up the next morning not remembering falling asleep. She looks at her phone, its 5:30am. “Shit”, she says to herself, “My bus comes in a half hour”. She removes the warm sheets she is entangled in and sees spots of blood on them, but pays no attention to them.

She walks outside muddled. As the cold wind hits her face it makes her whole body shake. She digs in her purse for her bus pass and MP3player and then shoves them in her hoodie pocket.

When she arrives at her bus stop she puts on her head phones and turns on her music. A techno remix that her and her friend made came on. “Ugg, I hate this song, it’s too happy” she thinks as she changes the song to something more suitable for her mood.

“Where the heck is the bus at, the streetlights already stopped flashing” she thinks to herself. She looks at the road and looks at how empty and dead it is. Then she sees the bus coming around the bend.

The bus pulls up to her stop and opens the door. The other lady at her stop gets on first and always has to have an hour long conversation with the bus driver.

She shows the driver her pass and he gives her that “good morning, what a lovely day it is” smile. She rolls her eyes in disgust. As she walks to the back of the bus she sees that her favorite seat is available. “Thank God something good happened today” she thinks to herself. 

She tunes out during the bus ride. And tunes back in a stop before hers. She gets off the bus and the blistering cold wind hits her face again. “God, I wish I would have worn a warmer jacket” she thinks trying not to think about what hell this school day will bring.

She walks across the streets, not caring weather someone hits her or not. In the back of her mind she prays that someone does so they can put her out of her misery.

She walks into school and all these thoughts enter her mind of what will happen that day. She hopes for the best, but we all know that ‘the best’ will never come at that place.

It’s only 6:20. That means that she has at least 5 or 10 minutes in silence. “I wish nobody would come to school today, and then they will send me home after my parents left” she thought to herself. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen, nor will it ever. It slightly saddens her.

“Great, some ones here” she mumbles. It’s her ‘ex’ if you can even classify him as that. He should hate her guts, but for some odd reason they get along perfectly fine. God how she wished he hated her.

Then a few more people come. No one interesting, just a lot of people she hates. Then her friend comes. He usually has that “I hate life” emo look on his face and is usually listening to punk or some band that she got him hooked on.

He cool, sometimes he can be a total drama queen, but that’s why he’s such awesome person.


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I quit writing, I might pick up where I left off one day, but this was from my live journal back in 2008, so it may be a tad hard for me to finish with the same emotions and thought process.