Super Model Suicide.

Note: This is a tribute to a friend I lost a few years ago, I'd like to think that he is able to see this, some how, some way. And the title is a line from an A Skylit Drive song. And I'd like to start it off with a song I
 wrote for him based off how I felt right after he had passed.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
With Out You

3am and the phone rings
the words i hears
ares words i hope i never hear again
as they were said
all my blood turned red as the sea
with every dying gasp i breathed

i cant stand to be with out you
i cannot live with out you
i cannot function with out you in my life
i find it hard to breathe
i find it hard to speak
i find it hard to sleep
i find it hard to live
with out you
and i miss you

thought it was a nightmare
the worse one ever known
but three days later it became reality
as i saw you laying there

i cant stand to be with out you
i cannot live with out you
i cannot function with out you in my life
i find it hard to breathe
i find it hard to speak
i find it hard to sleep
i find it hard to live
with out you
and i miss you

you were laying so limp
so peaceful at last
i look back at all the memories we shared
and gawd how i miss them
i miss them

i cant stand to be with out you
i cannot live with out you
i cannot function with out you in my life
i find it hard to breathe
i find it hard to speak
i find it hard to sleep
i find it hard to live
with out you
and i miss you

three weeks later, im still crying
i go for a visit
it's dark and draby
still not wanting what i see before me to be the truth
but it is
it is

i cant stand to be with out you
i cannot live with out you
i cannot function with out you in my life
i find it hard to breathe
i find it hard to speak
i find it hard to sleep
i find it hard to live
with out you
and i miss you

and now to this day
i still mourn your loss
and how it hurts me
the tears start to roll
so i grab a razor blade
a few minutes later i'll be with you once again
and i won't miss you
cuz ill be with you
with you...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It seems as though it was yesterday. We just talked. You seemed fine, you seemed happy, like life was finally coming together for you. We were so young. I want to say that I can't understand how the world can be so cruel, and how life can be so hard for someone so young, so pure, with so much life in their eyes and with the entire world at their finger tips, but I understand. Things have a way of beating even the strongest people to and past their breaking point.

I want to say I didn't see it coming, but I did. The things you said to me. I'd always tell you how I wanted to make everything better, take all of your pain away. That I would figure out a way to make you happy, find a way to suck all the hurt out of you and project it on every last ass hole that hurt you. I don't think you'll ever understand how responsible I feel for your death. I feel like it was all my fault. If I was there when you needed me to be, maybe, just maybe you'd still be here with me.

We were brought together to help each other and fix each other. To make one another smile. We were going to take on the world together. We had so many plans and ideas. We would have created something beautiful, we would have made the world a beautiful place again. A peaceful World, where everyone would be happy and feel accepted. Take away all the pain, create a safe haven for all the lost, damned, hurt, rejected and broken-hearted beings in this place.

Although we never actually met in person, I felt closer to you than anyone I have ever met. It was like you were my twin, like we were clones of one another. We changed each other so much that I don't know who I would be with out you. Maybe I'd be dead too, and we'd meet in heaven or hell or whatever, that way our time would never end.

I remember when you told me you loved me. You said you'd turn straight for me. I told you not to worry, that I would just get a sex change for you. Looking back on our memories and jokes brings a tear to my eye. Actually, it brings several, a waterfall of tears just endlessly flowing out of my eyes; soaking my pillow and my sleeves. They sadden me so much that I try not to remember, because I just can't stand the pain that they come with. I know you'd slap me for saying that. You'd probably tell me to stop being "a whiny little bitch" or to "be the man you know I secretly am", words like that sound cruel, but that's how we showed affection towards each other. I could call you a "stupid little faggot" and you'd laugh, but other people calling you that is probably what drove you to do this.

I know this world is cruel. People are horrid, they don't care about anyone but themselves. They just want to feel better about their pathetic lives by pushing others down and belittling them. People are fucking scum. I want to hunt down every single person that has ever hurt you and made you feel like a worthless piece of shit, family included, and stab their fucking eyes out then just leave them there to bleed out. But doing that would just put them close to you, and I know that neither of us want that.

I'm sorry that I make it seem like you don't exist, I truly am. But I just can't stand to think about it. You'd think after almost five years I'd be able to talk about you with out shutting down, but I can't. You seriously did mean so much to me, more than anyone could ever understand. It just kills me so much.

I know you would yell at me for blaming myself. You'd say that there was nothing I could do to change it. "We all have our predefined paths, every move is planned out for us, from life till death, so nothing even matters". But I could have changed your path, I know I could have.

If only I didn't pass out right after school. If only I woke up when you called, maybe you'd still be here.

I called, and called. I could just sense something was wrong, that's how connected we were. I told my self you were sleeping, I guess I was technically right. You're aunt found you unconscious. Told me she tried everything, said the EMS said you were a goner. She read me your note. The note you said you'd never leave. I couldn't contain myself during our conversation. I didn't say a word, I couldn't, no words would come out, no matter how hard I tried. Hearing her chocking on her words just made it worse.

I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to. I kept waiting to wake up from that nightmare; but I never did.

When I got off the phone with her I cried until I managed to pass out. I woke up, eyes sore, red, and puffy, still teary eyed. Do you know how hard it is to put on make-up when you're crying? Really fucking hard. I really should have stayed home from school that day, but I sucked it up, thought maybe it would help. All I could do was miss you, loosing someone so close it the worse imaginable pain ever. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry until I died. It was too much for me to handle.

I just want you to know, that even though you are a relatively hidden part of my life, I will NEVER forget you, I never could. I think you'd understand why I'm like that, hopefully. Not matter what, I'll always feel guilty. But I swear, if and when I ever have a son, I'm naming him after you, fuck, even if I have a daughter she'll have your name. I mean, that was the plan anyways, wasn't it? I mean, maybe you weren't serious, and I guess I wasn't fully serious either, but now I am. You will forever and always live on though me.


RIP Paxton (Paxxy) Nicholas Reader 7/27/1992-5/19/2009
Always in my heart; Never forgotten.<3

Life Lessons In a Make-believe Land

There once was a man named Snuffleupagus, he was a great and famous story teller. He told stories about his life, his family’s life, his friend’s life, and random people off the street’s life. To get his information from other people, he would follow them around all day and then tell people their story later that day at the fire. But one day, Snuffleupagus didn’t feel like following any one around, he had already told everyone stories of his own life. So he decided to make up a story. But poor Snuffleupagus was afraid to tell an untrue story because the fire was a very sacred place for the people of the lost city of New Yemen. So Snuffleupagus decided to tell a made up story, and because he knew that this story would be the best story ever, he decided to charge people five pesos to enter the fire today. He displayed wonderful posters and banners ever where that were advertising he new amazing story of a magical land. So after adverting his new story about this magical land, he got a lot of knocks on his door by the people that lived in New Yemen because they all wanted to by a ticket and listen in to his story.

Later that night at the fire, Snuffleupagus almost chickened out of telling his story because he was afraid that some one would find out that he was fibbing. But, his loyal and trusting friend, Shtabobo convinced him to continue. “Think about the pesos! All of the lovely, beautiful pesos!” said Shtabobo. “Well, it would be nice to have a lot of pesos, and then we could buy all of the pixie sticks and peanut butter that we want!” replied Snuffleupagus. So he decided to go through with his story about the magical place.

Everyone sat in a circle around the fire anxiously a waiting for the exciting story to begin. Then Snuffleupagus appeared from a puff of smoke and started his story: “In the magical land of Amber Pacific, far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far there lived a magical being named Atreyu. Atreyu was a very daring person. And he and his best friend Aerodrone would always go on crazy adventures. And lucky me, I got to go with them! So sit back and listen in on my crazy adventure with Atreyu and Aerodrone.” All the people of New Yemen were silent as they listened to the story. “Well, it was on a cold rainy day in New Yemen when I received an invitation to partake on an adventure in Amber Pacific. The invitation came in the form of a card, and the card was in an envelope. When I opened the card there was a big red button that said ‘push here’ on it. I hesitated; I wasn’t sure what good or evil would come if I pressed it. So I went to the basement and got my magic 8 ball. I picked it up and said “Oh magic 8 ball, if I press this big beautiful red button, will something good happed?” then I shook the magic 8 ball. The answer said “Please ask again”. So I repeated my question. Then I shook the magic 8 ball again. This time it replied “The answer looks good”. I was still unsure if I should press the button or not, so I asked the magic 8 ball that question one more time. This time it said “The answer is yes”. So trusting in its decision, I went back upstairs, and slowly pressed the button, and nothing happened, so I pressed it again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, until finally, WOOOOOSSSSSSHHHHHH!!!!! I was sucked into the card! I was being pushed and pulled in all directions! There were colors spinning around me. And things such as flying cows and an old lady on a bike saying “I’ll get you my pretty”! I was so confused by this. Then BOOOOOM! I landed. And I saw a man standing next to me. He said “Hi Snuffleupagus, I’m Atreyu, and this is my best friend Areodrone and we welcome you to the land of Amber Pacific”. Then Aerodrone said “Do u accept out offer? And please say yes because we are going to have a super fun adventure to Pulscapades!” I looked around this unfamiliar land. And I saw all sorts of weird things. There were castles as big a sky scrapers, and a ginger bread man running and saying “you’ll never catch me”, and little orange people with green hair! I knew that the land of Amber Pacific was truly magical. And I figured that a magical land must have magical adventures. And boy was I right. Even though this isn’t really a magical adventure I went on, it was an odd one.” As Atreyu, Aerodrone, and I were on our way to Pulscapades, we passes through a very loud part of Amber Pacific called Brokencyde. Aerodrone told me that only really, really, really, really, emotional people were allowed to live in Brokencyde and that the rest of the people all lived in Sherwood, Amber Pacific. I just said oh and continued to follow them. After walking for about an hour, Atreyu and Aerodrone ran into their friend MetroStation. Now, the people of Amber Pacific just called Aerodrone, Atreyu, and MetroStation the Alkaline Trio because it was easier to say. So the Alkaline Trio and I were on our way to explore Pulscapades when all of a sudden a big bolt of lightning came flying out of they sky. But the people of Amber Pacific did not call it lightning; instead they called it Strapping Young Lad. So when Strapping Young Lad would hit the land of Amber Pacific everyone would run and hid under a rock. So as MetroStation were yelling “Strapping Young Lad! Run! Hide yourself! Quick!” I just stood there and was confused out of my mind. Then the lighting hit me! And there I was again, lying on the ground. But this time I actually knew where I was. So Aerodrone helped me up and we continued our trip to Pulscapades. “I can’t wait until we get there” said MetroStation almost the whole entire walk. After a while the rest of the Alkaline Trio got really annoyed by MetroStation. So Atreyu decided to get a cab so that we could get there faster and not have to hear MetroStation saying I can’t wait to get there every three seconds. So Atreyu whistled for a cab. Then this very beautiful car covered in purple fur came out of the sky. And on the side of the car there was a glass box that had green neon letters in it that said Blinded Black then in smaller blue letters it said A Change in Pace. I was so amazed by this fury purple car with neon letters on it that I stood there in awe for about 7.694321876599821 minutes, but that’s just an estimate, it’s not like I’m trying to be all technical about it or anything. Finally, Areodrone pulled me into the car and said “come on already, we want to get to Pulscapades before the evil Emarosa wakes up because he will made your Third Eye Blind!” So I got into the car and we went on A Sky Lit Drive on the Parkway North. After about 23.729654 minutes, there was a sign in the sky that said “Welcome to Pulscapades home of the Iron Maiden (a.k.a. Emarosa)” then in small print it read “Welcoming You, Me, and Everyone we know”. I was so excited! I could barley contain myself. I just wanted to scream “Skyfire” the top of my lungs because the cab driver, Seladora, said that most people say when they are entering new places. So after about five or six minutes, we arrived at Pulscapades. We walked slowly and quietly walked through the wooded area of Pulscapades trying not to make a sound. Then CRACK! A leprechaun fell out of a tree! I was amazed! All this time a thought that leprechauns weren’t real. “Run! It’s the evil Emarosa! Run!” said the leprechaun. Then he scurried away. Then I saw the biggest, scariest monstrous dragon-like creature ever! The Alkaline Trio all ran in fear as I just stood there in awe. Then Aerodrone pulled me by the collar of my shirt as he screamed as me to run as fast as I could. So me and the rest of the Alkaline Trio were running as fast as we could so that we could escape Emarosa. We were dogging trees and jumping over rocks. Then I ran full speed into a tree and BOOOOM! I got knocked out yet a third time. Then this time when I woke up I was expecting to still be in Amber Pacific and I thought that when u opened my eyes I would see Aerodrone or Atreyu standing there. But I didn’t. They were all gone, it was back to normal. But I will never forget meeting all of those people and going on that weird adventure. And that was my story about a magical land.”

It was quite at the end of Snuffleupagus' story. And it stayed that way for a few minutes. Then some random person in the audience started a slow clap. And then the person next to him joined in the slow clap, and the person next to him, and the person next to him, and the person next to him, and the person next to him. And the person next to him and the person next to him all joined into. Then the whole audience was clapping for one of the biggest lie that was ever told. While all of the people were clapping, there was one person who wasn’t. This person was Shtabobo who was angry that Snuffleupagus was getting all of the attention. So Shtabobo got up and stood next to Snuffleupagus and said “Liar! That while inkier story was a lie! He lied about the whole story because he was too lazy!” then he said “and you know what we do to liars here in New Yemen” and the whole audience was chanting “Push him in! Push him in”. So Shtabobo pushed Snuffleupagus with a force of ten cyclones into the fire. Then poor Snuffleupagus died because all of his skin got burned off of his body. And because Shtabobo was the one to reveal that his best friend Snuffleupagus was lying, Shtabobo got to keep all the pesos, and but all of the peanut butter and pixie sticks that he wanted!

Mornings

A tear falls; she hopes that no one hears the squeaks she makes from trying to hold them in. She gasps for air; wishing it would be the last breath she’d ever take. She can’t stand this, she tells herself. She wants to give up. She feels so lost, so abandoned. She wish someone cloud find here, and make all this pain disappear. But nobody ever will; nobody wants too she tells her self. “Why me?” she asks herself trying not to cry.

She wakes up the next morning not remembering falling asleep. She looks at her phone, its 5:30am. “Shit”, she says to herself, “My bus comes in a half hour”. She removes the warm sheets she is entangled in and sees spots of blood on them, but pays no attention to them.

She walks outside muddled. As the cold wind hits her face it makes her whole body shake. She digs in her purse for her bus pass and MP3player and then shoves them in her hoodie pocket.

When she arrives at her bus stop she puts on her head phones and turns on her music. A techno remix that her and her friend made came on. “Ugg, I hate this song, it’s too happy” she thinks as she changes the song to something more suitable for her mood.

“Where the heck is the bus at, the streetlights already stopped flashing” she thinks to herself. She looks at the road and looks at how empty and dead it is. Then she sees the bus coming around the bend.

The bus pulls up to her stop and opens the door. The other lady at her stop gets on first and always has to have an hour long conversation with the bus driver.

She shows the driver her pass and he gives her that “good morning, what a lovely day it is” smile. She rolls her eyes in disgust. As she walks to the back of the bus she sees that her favorite seat is available. “Thank God something good happened today” she thinks to herself. 

She tunes out during the bus ride. And tunes back in a stop before hers. She gets off the bus and the blistering cold wind hits her face again. “God, I wish I would have worn a warmer jacket” she thinks trying not to think about what hell this school day will bring.

She walks across the streets, not caring weather someone hits her or not. In the back of her mind she prays that someone does so they can put her out of her misery.

She walks into school and all these thoughts enter her mind of what will happen that day. She hopes for the best, but we all know that ‘the best’ will never come at that place.

It’s only 6:20. That means that she has at least 5 or 10 minutes in silence. “I wish nobody would come to school today, and then they will send me home after my parents left” she thought to herself. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen, nor will it ever. It slightly saddens her.

“Great, some ones here” she mumbles. It’s her ‘ex’ if you can even classify him as that. He should hate her guts, but for some odd reason they get along perfectly fine. God how she wished he hated her.

Then a few more people come. No one interesting, just a lot of people she hates. Then her friend comes. He usually has that “I hate life” emo look on his face and is usually listening to punk or some band that she got him hooked on.

He cool, sometimes he can be a total drama queen, but that’s why he’s such awesome person.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I quit writing, I might pick up where I left off one day, but this was from my live journal back in 2008, so it may be a tad hard for me to finish with the same emotions and thought process.

An Essay On Bias From High School.

Oh no! Look over there! It’s a rock band, they must be singing of suicide and murder! And the heavy metal band must be preaching about the devil! Well, even thought many rock and metal bands such as Black Sabbath, Ozzy Osbourne, Iron Maiden, Twisted Sister, Venom, Judas Priest, Decide, Entombed, Alice Cooper, Marilyn Manson, Slipknot, and Anthrax are said to ‘worship’ the devil and have Satanic lyrics, only two of the bands listed above (Decide and Entombed) “claimed to express or promote “real” Satanism through their lyrics and real life” (Paradise) as where the other bands just used satanic lyrics to gain much needed publicity and money.

Unfortunately, some bands and artist were being blamed for causing teens to murder others and to commit suicide. The band Judas Priest was blamed for making and eighteen years old and a twenty year old to commit suicide. The court said that there was a “toxic influence” from the music they listened to, but that it cannot be blamed for ones actions. The bands Slipknot, Anthrax, Ozzy Osbourne (from Black Sabbath), Alice Cooper, and Marilyn Manson where being blamed for making two men murder a 16 year old boy. It’s said that one of the alleged murderers, Daniel, 28, listened to these bands. A witness also claimed that he was a heavy drinker, had his room decorated with skeletons, and had an upside down cross tattooed on one of his arms, which is said to represent the Antichrist and Satanism.

So, I bet now that you are thinking that all rock and metal musicians are bad people. Well, there are good people too! For example, Alice Cooper, a rocker that was known for singing songs called “Dead Babies”, “No More Mr. Nice Guy”, “Welcome to my Nightmare”, and for onstage beheadings, is opening a Christian youth center. In this center there is going to be a school of rock and roll, a concert hall, and sporting events. Everything that takes place at this youth center will be free for teens for the ages of 12- 18 and will all be Christian oriented. The band Motley Crue made a CD called “Shout to the Devil”. The lyrics to the songs on this CD showed rebelliousness toward Satan, giving off the idea that Satan is bad.

Marilyn Manson, yes, we all know that he was being blamed for the shooting at Columbine high school in April 1999 and the shooting at VT College in April 2007. “But why?” you may ask. Some thinks it’s because he’s an easy target because of his said ‘Satanic’ lyrics. When in matter of fact, Seung-Hui Cho (the instigator of the shooting at VT), Erick Harris, and Dylan Klebold (the instigators of the shooting at Columbine) didn’t actually listen to Marilyn Manson. Though there is no proof that Cho didn’t listen to Marilyn Manson, there is none saying that he did either. As for Klebold and Harris they “hate Marilyn Manson” (Cullen) and Harris liked “Good, Fast, Hard, Strong, Pounding Techno” (Cullen). So, even though many people may think that Marilyn Manson is bad and capable of being a big enough of an influence to make people murderers, many can see what an insane realization that truly is.

Upon the school shootings, Manson was interviewed a countless amount of times. In a radio interview that took place a few days after the VT massacre, Manson said, “Then suddenly Columbine happened and my name got brought up into it and I wouldn’t be surprised if my name got brought into this[VT collage shooting]” (Manson Fears), and it was. During another interview he had with Michael Moore, the creator of many documentaries such as Bowling for Columbine and Roger & me, Manson was asked what he would have said to the Killers of Columbine High School, Harris and Klebold, if he would have gotten a chance. Manson’s answer was one of the most inspiring things that I have ever heard from any one; he said “I wouldn’t have said one thing. I would have listened to them, which is what no one else did” (Bowling for Columbine, 2002). He also said that music is an escape for kids, but unfortunately, the PMRC didn’t see that.

The PMRC, or Parents Music Resource Center, was stated by Tipper Gore (Al Gore’s wife) and three other women. Their goal was to warn parents of the music that their kids were listening to, so they decided that it would be a good idea to use their own opinion to tell people what’s good and what’s bad. And of course, the musicians didn’t appreciate this at all. So they rebelled, many bands criticized and parodied Tipper Gore and the PMRC. Since this affected a large majority of bands and artists from all genres; it up raised a big commotion. As an early parody Metallica put a PMRC “explicit lyric” sticker in the shape of a stop sign on their front cover of their album Master of Puppets the. The band Alice Donut made a song called “Tipper Gore” that used a sexual metaphor to describe Tipper Gore’s actions. Sonic Youth’s album, Goo, featured “a cartoon with a caption “SMASH THE PMRC”” (Parent Music Resource Center). Ministry’s album In Case You Didn’t Feel like Showing Up had “a cut out version of the parental advisory sticker. On the inside they urged you to cut it out and send it to the PMRC” (Parent Music Recourse Center). On the cover of the Twisted Sister Cd, Come out and Play, the band put a parental advisory sticker that said H for Humor as a parody toward the PMRC explicit lyric stickers. In a one minute song “Ode to Tipper Gore”, the band Warrant, “featured nothing but various swear words recorder in rapid-fire order” (Parent Music Resource Center) that they said during concerts and in songs. NoFX named their album The PMRC can suck on this to show how they felt about them. The band Rage Against The Machine did one of the most astonishing tings out of all of the bands and artists that rebelled against the PMRC. During Lollapalooza they spent all of their playing time (14 minutes) standing naked on stage, they had duck tape over their mouths and the letters PMRC painted on their chests. Later, the band played a free show for all of their disappointed fans. Tipper even went as far as trying to turn people against a band by making false accusations about the meaning of their name. She told the public that the band WASP, who originally wore black and yellow striped outfits while playing, stood for “We Are Sexual Perverts” (Parent Music Resource Center). Some other bands (with their song) that ‘rebelled’ against Tipper and the PMRC were: “Rock you to Hell” by Grim Reaper, “Hook in the Mouth” by Megadeth, “The Wild and the Young” by Quiet Riot, “Lovely” by Suicidal Tendencies, “Shelter Me” by Cinderella, “Hard on You” by Floatsam and Jetsam, “Hush” by Tool, “Censors**t” by The Ramones, “Starting up a Posse” by Anthrax, “F*** the PMRC” by Pistol Grip, “Stop the Insanity” by Leftover Crack, “Anarchy in the U.K” by Motley Crue, “MTV- Get off the Air” by Dead Kennedy, “Voldemont Can’t Stop Rock” by Harry and the Potters, “FINE” by Aerosmith, “KKK B****” and “Cop Killer” by The Dead Milkman, “P.M.R.C” by The Fool, “Porn Wars” by Frank Zappa, “Pray for the Juice Maker” by Fishbone, “Sucks” by KMFDM, “IFWHITEAMERICATOLDTHETRUTHFORONEDAYIT’SWORLDWOULDFALLAPART” and “Tennessee” by Manic Street Performers, “Burn down the malls” by Mojo Nixon, “Censor us” by Pinkard and Bowden, “Go Away” by Reset, “Jesse” by Todd Rundgren, “P.M.R.C” by The Bouncing Souls, and the song “Purgatory” which the German Metal band, Running Wild, dedicated to the PMRC.

So people think that rock and metal music is bad, and that people that listen to it are going to go crazy and start killing themselves and shooting people and getting all hyped up on drugs. Well, I, along with a lot of people in our school and even on my team, could be examples of how wrong this stereotype is. I mean sure, I do threaten people, but I never went out a started shooting things and blowing up random objects, even though blowing up random objects does sound fun.

One typical stereotype that I think is true is among a large majority of people that listen to rock and metal is how their appearance is. For example guys that listen to heave metal and rock re more likely to have long hair, wear a lot of black, and wear eyeliner and girls that listen to this type of music are more likely to have black hair and wear a lot of black. But this is just because of the fact that people have a tendency to dress and mimic the appearance of the people they ‘look up to’. So people that listen to rap are more likely to have a lot of ‘bling’ and grills and wear over sized pants and shirts, and people that look up to, let’s say the President are most likely going to dress rather professionally. But once again, not all people do.

So if you are going to go ahead and say that everyone that listens to Marilyn Manson, Slipknot, Anthrax, Iron Maiden, Alice Cooper, Twisted Sister, Judas Priest and other Rock and Metal bands go out and constantly shoot people and then constantly want to kill themselves you are obviously wrong. But if you truly believe that, I suggest you find every one that listens to this type of music and start sending them to consolers, mental facilities, and Psyche Wards.