Super Model Suicide.

Note: This is a tribute to a friend I lost a few years ago, I'd like to think that he is able to see this, some how, some way. And the title is a line from an A Skylit Drive song. And I'd like to start it off with a song I
 wrote for him based off how I felt right after he had passed.
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With Out You

3am and the phone rings
the words i hears
ares words i hope i never hear again
as they were said
all my blood turned red as the sea
with every dying gasp i breathed

i cant stand to be with out you
i cannot live with out you
i cannot function with out you in my life
i find it hard to breathe
i find it hard to speak
i find it hard to sleep
i find it hard to live
with out you
and i miss you

thought it was a nightmare
the worse one ever known
but three days later it became reality
as i saw you laying there

i cant stand to be with out you
i cannot live with out you
i cannot function with out you in my life
i find it hard to breathe
i find it hard to speak
i find it hard to sleep
i find it hard to live
with out you
and i miss you

you were laying so limp
so peaceful at last
i look back at all the memories we shared
and gawd how i miss them
i miss them

i cant stand to be with out you
i cannot live with out you
i cannot function with out you in my life
i find it hard to breathe
i find it hard to speak
i find it hard to sleep
i find it hard to live
with out you
and i miss you

three weeks later, im still crying
i go for a visit
it's dark and draby
still not wanting what i see before me to be the truth
but it is
it is

i cant stand to be with out you
i cannot live with out you
i cannot function with out you in my life
i find it hard to breathe
i find it hard to speak
i find it hard to sleep
i find it hard to live
with out you
and i miss you

and now to this day
i still mourn your loss
and how it hurts me
the tears start to roll
so i grab a razor blade
a few minutes later i'll be with you once again
and i won't miss you
cuz ill be with you
with you...
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It seems as though it was yesterday. We just talked. You seemed fine, you seemed happy, like life was finally coming together for you. We were so young. I want to say that I can't understand how the world can be so cruel, and how life can be so hard for someone so young, so pure, with so much life in their eyes and with the entire world at their finger tips, but I understand. Things have a way of beating even the strongest people to and past their breaking point.

I want to say I didn't see it coming, but I did. The things you said to me. I'd always tell you how I wanted to make everything better, take all of your pain away. That I would figure out a way to make you happy, find a way to suck all the hurt out of you and project it on every last ass hole that hurt you. I don't think you'll ever understand how responsible I feel for your death. I feel like it was all my fault. If I was there when you needed me to be, maybe, just maybe you'd still be here with me.

We were brought together to help each other and fix each other. To make one another smile. We were going to take on the world together. We had so many plans and ideas. We would have created something beautiful, we would have made the world a beautiful place again. A peaceful World, where everyone would be happy and feel accepted. Take away all the pain, create a safe haven for all the lost, damned, hurt, rejected and broken-hearted beings in this place.

Although we never actually met in person, I felt closer to you than anyone I have ever met. It was like you were my twin, like we were clones of one another. We changed each other so much that I don't know who I would be with out you. Maybe I'd be dead too, and we'd meet in heaven or hell or whatever, that way our time would never end.

I remember when you told me you loved me. You said you'd turn straight for me. I told you not to worry, that I would just get a sex change for you. Looking back on our memories and jokes brings a tear to my eye. Actually, it brings several, a waterfall of tears just endlessly flowing out of my eyes; soaking my pillow and my sleeves. They sadden me so much that I try not to remember, because I just can't stand the pain that they come with. I know you'd slap me for saying that. You'd probably tell me to stop being "a whiny little bitch" or to "be the man you know I secretly am", words like that sound cruel, but that's how we showed affection towards each other. I could call you a "stupid little faggot" and you'd laugh, but other people calling you that is probably what drove you to do this.

I know this world is cruel. People are horrid, they don't care about anyone but themselves. They just want to feel better about their pathetic lives by pushing others down and belittling them. People are fucking scum. I want to hunt down every single person that has ever hurt you and made you feel like a worthless piece of shit, family included, and stab their fucking eyes out then just leave them there to bleed out. But doing that would just put them close to you, and I know that neither of us want that.

I'm sorry that I make it seem like you don't exist, I truly am. But I just can't stand to think about it. You'd think after almost five years I'd be able to talk about you with out shutting down, but I can't. You seriously did mean so much to me, more than anyone could ever understand. It just kills me so much.

I know you would yell at me for blaming myself. You'd say that there was nothing I could do to change it. "We all have our predefined paths, every move is planned out for us, from life till death, so nothing even matters". But I could have changed your path, I know I could have.

If only I didn't pass out right after school. If only I woke up when you called, maybe you'd still be here.

I called, and called. I could just sense something was wrong, that's how connected we were. I told my self you were sleeping, I guess I was technically right. You're aunt found you unconscious. Told me she tried everything, said the EMS said you were a goner. She read me your note. The note you said you'd never leave. I couldn't contain myself during our conversation. I didn't say a word, I couldn't, no words would come out, no matter how hard I tried. Hearing her chocking on her words just made it worse.

I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to. I kept waiting to wake up from that nightmare; but I never did.

When I got off the phone with her I cried until I managed to pass out. I woke up, eyes sore, red, and puffy, still teary eyed. Do you know how hard it is to put on make-up when you're crying? Really fucking hard. I really should have stayed home from school that day, but I sucked it up, thought maybe it would help. All I could do was miss you, loosing someone so close it the worse imaginable pain ever. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry until I died. It was too much for me to handle.

I just want you to know, that even though you are a relatively hidden part of my life, I will NEVER forget you, I never could. I think you'd understand why I'm like that, hopefully. Not matter what, I'll always feel guilty. But I swear, if and when I ever have a son, I'm naming him after you, fuck, even if I have a daughter she'll have your name. I mean, that was the plan anyways, wasn't it? I mean, maybe you weren't serious, and I guess I wasn't fully serious either, but now I am. You will forever and always live on though me.


RIP Paxton (Paxxy) Nicholas Reader 7/27/1992-5/19/2009
Always in my heart; Never forgotten.<3

Lost Love

Have you ever fallen in love? Not lust, not like, but love. Where your heart skips beats and feels like it is going to explode out of your body. Where all you do is smile, no matter how shitty you truly are feeling. Where you don't have a care in the world, other than your love. Your head spins and you get that warm fuzzy feeling. Where everything is just perfect. I have, and I must say, it is one of the most amazing sensations in the universe. Everyone should experience a pure love such as this at least once in their pathetic, self loathing, ignorant life. It's a humans god given right to be so, so, ecstatically intoxicated with the purest emotion to ever exist on this hell forsaken planet.

I met the love of my life about four years ago, through my friend Adam. They were really close, undeniably better than best friends; they completed one another. I still remember that day. It was mid March, but it was as cold as January. The air was piercing my skin every time there was the slightest gust of wind, but it was worth it. I would have walked miles during the worse imaginable blizzard for him.

When we met it was truly amazing. I never wanted to spend a second away from him, I wanted him to always be a part of my life, and he was. The first time I touched him I felt like I was melting, as if there was a little heater inside of me making my whole body warm and fuzzy. My head was spinning and I felt a knot in my stomach, like I was about to throw up. I went weak at the knees and didn't think that I was able to stand. It was so surreal, so fabricated, so weird, I loved it. I couldn't even begin to comprehend how I was feeling, it was purely magical. All I knew was that this was the most amazing feeling in the world and I never wanted it to end; this was true love.

After I met him I was hooked on the feelings he left me with. He was all I could think about and all I wanted to think about, dreaming of the next time we would meet. Without him seconds felt like hours and hours felt like days. I wanted him, needed him. It was if I finally found my soul mate, he made me feel whole for the first time in my life.

I couldn't take being with out him for a moment longer. I called up Adam and told him to bring him over to my place. I was getting antsy, it seemed just as if it took an eternity for them to arrive. When they finally did I couldn't contain my excitement. I don't recall ever being as excited as I was at that exact moment. I couldn't wait to be reunited with him once again, to feel the feelings he filled me with the day we met. His smell was purely intoxicating, just on that alone the feeling began to come flooding back to me. That joy, that pleasure, that pure and unadulterated ecstasy he left me with. I could feel him in my heart, I needed him to be mine, and I would stop at absolutely nothing to have him. Despite how early it is in our relationship, I would kill for him. He has already become my everything, he consumed me from the moment we met.

Over time we started seeing each other on a regular basis, seemingly, I needed him to survive. The more we were together the more I feel in love with him. Eventually, we got so close we didn't need Adam with us. It was just me and him against the world. On days I didn't get to see him I got so depressed and upset that I was sick to the stomach. I needed him in my life, he truly did complete me, I was worthless with out him. If only he could move in with me, live with me forever, never leave. That's all I wanted. That's all I needed. Him, and only him.

I began to become so engrossed by him I started to push away everyone around me. I didn't need friends any more, I just needed him. He was all I wanted. I was never happier in my life than I was with him. Naturally, my friends and family started to get concerned with the fact that I devoted all of my time to him. I isolated myself from the rest of the world. And I didn't care, I was completely and utterly captivated by him and the feelings he left me with. I couldn't endure more than a few hours with out him being with me. Our relationship was becoming both extraordinary and tortuous.

As the days went by I found myself spending nearly every waking moment of my life with him. I got to the point where I started to see him every hour, on the hour, with an exception of when I was sleeping of course. No matter where I was or what I was doing, I needed him. If I was at work, with friends, or with my family, I would sneak off to the bathroom just so we could spend some time together. He was starting to control me and nearly ever aspect of my life.

But the more tine we spent, the more he started to gain control of me. He was effecting my energy, my sleep, my diet, my money, my relationships with other people, everything. It was as if I was no longer myself, I have become a completely different person. I was nothing more than a worthless drone being controlled by him and I was at the point where I literally could not function with out him. I couldn't even get out of bed in the morning unless I got to wake up with him. I was so pathetic, but I loved it, and even worse, I couldn't control my feeling for him any more. Even when I didn't want to be with him I needed to be. It was almost if he wanted me more than I wanted him.

There was a point where, because of him, I ended up in the hospital. He was ultimately destroying my life, killing me. Turns out he literally did make my heart skip a beat. It skipped a few actually, enough to make me loose consciousness. He almost killed me. Luckily, that day Adam was with us. If it wasn't for him, I would be dead.

I remember Adam freaking out, crying. I was trying to ask what was wrong, but nothing came out. He couldn't hear me. I remember him screaming at my love, calling him all kinds of names. "No, Adam! I'm fine! I'm okay!" I tried to say, but he didn't hear me. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. The world was fading away, I knew my time had come. But I wasn't scared, you'd assume someone in my position would be freaking out like someone would be laying on their death bed knowing they only have a little time left. But not me. It was just so relaxing and peaceful. So I did what my body wanted me to do and closed my eyes so I could fall asleep and leave this horrid world.

I woke up in an ambulance. It was so chaotic for such a small space. I was trying to move, but the paramedics were holding me down. My ears were ringing and my vision was participial gone. I could feel droll running down my cheek. They had just taken the oxygen mask off me and that's when I saw Adam. I asked him what happened, and he just cried. "I want to go home, I want to see him", I demanded. Adam cried even harder. "I'm fine, why are you crying?" I yelled. I was getting so angry. "Adam, I want to go home! Take me home, NOW!" All I wanted was to be with him. He almost killed me, and he was all I could think about, all I wanted was him. It was killing Adam, I could see it in his eyes.

I was in so much pain. I wish that I had died. Why did they have to revive me, why couldn't they just let it all come to an end. I couldn't comprehend how I went from pure ecstasy to feeling some of the worse pain I have ever experienced in my life in a matter of a few moments.

They put me in ICU. I noticed Adam was talking to a nurse. He looked in the room at me with teary eyes then looked back at the nurse quickly. I tried to read his lips so I could figure out what was going on, but it was useless. A few moments later they both came in the room. "I think they are going to keep you here for a while" he said. My eyes widened and jaw dropped as I shook my head no. He continued "It's for the best...", then I just tuned him out. How could he do this to me, it's not for the best, I can't be left her alone, it'll kill me! I need to go home, I need to be with him.

The next few days I was in the hospital were completely horrid. I hated it and just wanted to leave. I couldn't stand all the pain I was in. I'd rather die than be there a second longer. They kept trying to give me pills and other medication, telling me that they would make me feel better, but they didn't. Nothing could make me feel better and nothing would help ease this excruciating pain I was in but him. He always made me feel better, no matter what, he fixed me.

Mornings

A tear falls; she hopes that no one hears the squeaks she makes from trying to hold them in. She gasps for air; wishing it would be the last breath she’d ever take. She can’t stand this, she tells herself. She wants to give up. She feels so lost, so abandoned. She wish someone cloud find here, and make all this pain disappear. But nobody ever will; nobody wants too she tells her self. “Why me?” she asks herself trying not to cry.

She wakes up the next morning not remembering falling asleep. She looks at her phone, its 5:30am. “Shit”, she says to herself, “My bus comes in a half hour”. She removes the warm sheets she is entangled in and sees spots of blood on them, but pays no attention to them.

She walks outside muddled. As the cold wind hits her face it makes her whole body shake. She digs in her purse for her bus pass and MP3player and then shoves them in her hoodie pocket.

When she arrives at her bus stop she puts on her head phones and turns on her music. A techno remix that her and her friend made came on. “Ugg, I hate this song, it’s too happy” she thinks as she changes the song to something more suitable for her mood.

“Where the heck is the bus at, the streetlights already stopped flashing” she thinks to herself. She looks at the road and looks at how empty and dead it is. Then she sees the bus coming around the bend.

The bus pulls up to her stop and opens the door. The other lady at her stop gets on first and always has to have an hour long conversation with the bus driver.

She shows the driver her pass and he gives her that “good morning, what a lovely day it is” smile. She rolls her eyes in disgust. As she walks to the back of the bus she sees that her favorite seat is available. “Thank God something good happened today” she thinks to herself. 

She tunes out during the bus ride. And tunes back in a stop before hers. She gets off the bus and the blistering cold wind hits her face again. “God, I wish I would have worn a warmer jacket” she thinks trying not to think about what hell this school day will bring.

She walks across the streets, not caring weather someone hits her or not. In the back of her mind she prays that someone does so they can put her out of her misery.

She walks into school and all these thoughts enter her mind of what will happen that day. She hopes for the best, but we all know that ‘the best’ will never come at that place.

It’s only 6:20. That means that she has at least 5 or 10 minutes in silence. “I wish nobody would come to school today, and then they will send me home after my parents left” she thought to herself. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen, nor will it ever. It slightly saddens her.

“Great, some ones here” she mumbles. It’s her ‘ex’ if you can even classify him as that. He should hate her guts, but for some odd reason they get along perfectly fine. God how she wished he hated her.

Then a few more people come. No one interesting, just a lot of people she hates. Then her friend comes. He usually has that “I hate life” emo look on his face and is usually listening to punk or some band that she got him hooked on.

He cool, sometimes he can be a total drama queen, but that’s why he’s such awesome person.


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I quit writing, I might pick up where I left off one day, but this was from my live journal back in 2008, so it may be a tad hard for me to finish with the same emotions and thought process.