Note: This is a tribute to a friend I lost a few years ago, I'd like to think that he is able to see this, some how, some way. And the title is a line from an A Skylit Drive song. And I'd like to start it off with a song I
wrote for him based off how I felt right after he had passed.
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With Out You
3am and the phone rings
the words i hears
ares words i hope i never hear again
as they were said
all my blood turned red as the sea
with every dying gasp i breathed
i cant stand to be with out you
i cannot live with out you
i cannot function with out you in my life
i find it hard to breathe
i find it hard to speak
i find it hard to sleep
i find it hard to live
with out you
and i miss you
thought it was a nightmare
the worse one ever known
but three days later it became reality
as i saw you laying there
i cant stand to be with out you
i cannot live with out you
i cannot function with out you in my life
i find it hard to breathe
i find it hard to speak
i find it hard to sleep
i find it hard to live
with out you
and i miss you
you were laying so limp
so peaceful at last
i look back at all the memories we shared
and gawd how i miss them
i miss them
i cant stand to be with out you
i cannot live with out you
i cannot function with out you in my life
i find it hard to breathe
i find it hard to speak
i find it hard to sleep
i find it hard to live
with out you
and i miss you
three weeks later, im still crying
i go for a visit
it's dark and draby
still not wanting what i see before me to be the truth
but it is
it is
i cant stand to be with out you
i cannot live with out you
i cannot function with out you in my life
i find it hard to breathe
i find it hard to speak
i find it hard to sleep
i find it hard to live
with out you
and i miss you
and now to this day
i still mourn your loss
and how it hurts me
the tears start to roll
so i grab a razor blade
a few minutes later i'll be with you once again
and i won't miss you
cuz ill be with you
with you...
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It seems as though it was yesterday. We just talked. You seemed fine, you seemed happy, like life was finally coming together for you. We were so young. I want to say that I can't understand how the world can be so cruel, and how life can be so hard for someone so young, so pure, with so much life in their eyes and with the entire world at their finger tips, but I understand. Things have a way of beating even the strongest people to and past their breaking point.
I want to say I didn't see it coming, but I did. The things you said to me. I'd always tell you how I wanted to make everything better, take all of your pain away. That I would figure out a way to make you happy, find a way to suck all the hurt out of you and project it on every last ass hole that hurt you. I don't think you'll ever understand how responsible I feel for your death. I feel like it was all my fault. If I was there when you needed me to be, maybe, just maybe you'd still be here with me.
We were brought together to help each other and fix each other. To make one another smile. We were going to take on the world together. We had so many plans and ideas. We would have created something beautiful, we would have made the world a beautiful place again. A peaceful World, where everyone would be happy and feel accepted. Take away all the pain, create a safe haven for all the lost, damned, hurt, rejected and broken-hearted beings in this place.
Although we never actually met in person, I felt closer to you than anyone I have ever met. It was like you were my twin, like we were clones of one another. We changed each other so much that I don't know who I would be with out you. Maybe I'd be dead too, and we'd meet in heaven or hell or whatever, that way our time would never end.
I remember when you told me you loved me. You said you'd turn straight for me. I told you not to worry, that I would just get a sex change for you. Looking back on our memories and jokes brings a tear to my eye. Actually, it brings several, a waterfall of tears just endlessly flowing out of my eyes; soaking my pillow and my sleeves. They sadden me so much that I try not to remember, because I just can't stand the pain that they come with. I know you'd slap me for saying that. You'd probably tell me to stop being "a whiny little bitch" or to "be the man you know I secretly am", words like that sound cruel, but that's how we showed affection towards each other. I could call you a "stupid little faggot" and you'd laugh, but other people calling you that is probably what drove you to do this.
I know this world is cruel. People are horrid, they don't care about anyone but themselves. They just want to feel better about their pathetic lives by pushing others down and belittling them. People are fucking scum. I want to hunt down every single person that has ever hurt you and made you feel like a worthless piece of shit, family included, and stab their fucking eyes out then just leave them there to bleed out. But doing that would just put them close to you, and I know that neither of us want that.
I'm sorry that I make it seem like you don't exist, I truly am. But I just can't stand to think about it. You'd think after almost five years I'd be able to talk about you with out shutting down, but I can't. You seriously did mean so much to me, more than anyone could ever understand. It just kills me so much.
I know you would yell at me for blaming myself. You'd say that there was nothing I could do to change it. "We all have our predefined paths, every move is planned out for us, from life till death, so nothing even matters". But I could have changed your path, I know I could have.
If only I didn't pass out right after school. If only I woke up when you called, maybe you'd still be here.
I called, and called. I could just sense something was wrong, that's how connected we were. I told my self you were sleeping, I guess I was technically right. You're aunt found you unconscious. Told me she tried everything, said the EMS said you were a goner. She read me your note. The note you said you'd never leave. I couldn't contain myself during our conversation. I didn't say a word, I couldn't, no words would come out, no matter how hard I tried. Hearing her chocking on her words just made it worse.
I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to. I kept waiting to wake up from that nightmare; but I never did.
When I got off the phone with her I cried until I managed to pass out. I woke up, eyes sore, red, and puffy, still teary eyed. Do you know how hard it is to put on make-up when you're crying? Really fucking hard. I really should have stayed home from school that day, but I sucked it up, thought maybe it would help. All I could do was miss you, loosing someone so close it the worse imaginable pain ever. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry until I died. It was too much for me to handle.
I just want you to know, that even though you are a relatively hidden part of my life, I will NEVER forget you, I never could. I think you'd understand why I'm like that, hopefully. Not matter what, I'll always feel guilty. But I swear, if and when I ever have a son, I'm naming him after you, fuck, even if I have a daughter she'll have your name. I mean, that was the plan anyways, wasn't it? I mean, maybe you weren't serious, and I guess I wasn't fully serious either, but now I am. You will forever and always live on though me.
RIP Paxton (Paxxy) Nicholas Reader 7/27/1992-5/19/2009
Always in my heart; Never forgotten.<3
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